It's okay to fail - what a failed cheese ball taught me about myself.

     My girlfriend and I are trying to lose weight and she is succeeding at it at a much faster pace than I am.   That's okay, our health is NOT a competition.   We are both trying to cut down on sugars.  We are both trying to watch our portions of what we eat.

    That's all good.   Were we differ, and it has lead to some conflict, is that I am trying; slowly but surely to move away from a strictly meat diet.   I've been trying to incorporate some more plant based dishes into my life.  I've been attempting to not eat any meat or dairy products at least one day a week, although I am not always successful at this task..   I do have some healthy substitutes in the fridge such as tofu and jackfruit even though I've no clue what to do with them. 

    I am even thinking how I could use paneer is a substitute for meat like it is in a lot of Indian dishes..  Plus it's a cheese I've not made in a bit. 

    Where the conflict starts is that even though she has a background in cooking - she is a graduate of the now defunct Pittsburgh Le Cordon Bleu Institute of Culinary Arts - her experience was largely dependent on where she has worked.  Family owned small town restaurants.   Or to quote her, "she knows what she knows."  Hence a lot of "meat and potato" dishes.

    In order for me to change some things up that means I have to cook more.   Now keep in mind that I have previously been banned fro the kitchen for life by at least three different girlfriends and one ex-wife; where my brother went to the famed CIA to learn how to cook.   He learned how to cook, I found women that loved to cook.  I joke that it is part of our survival instinct.   

    Up until now I found that perfectly acceptable.  My interest in cooking really only starting in earnest during the pandemic.   Susan's job as an independent delivery driver meant that she was gone most days when I was on lunch or dinner.   Suddenly I had to cook and you can only make so many boxed meals or leftovers before you want to get creative.  Then it was just a matter of time before my natural curiosity kicked in.  

    Leaning to make some vegan "cheese" is the natural end result of my wants and desires.   I have made a few other vegan cheeses and the the results have been tasty. When I came across the recipe for a beer infused cheese ball, I knew I had to try it.  

    I also know that that when it comes to vegan cheeses you have to follow the instructions - and to be honest I didn't think these instructions were that clear to begin with.  What exactly is a "splash" of liquid?  

    Because I wanted the rich porter favor to come through - think warming caramel with rich, dark undertones -I let the cashews soak for about 5 hours.   Then as I blended the various ingredients together, I was not happy with the consistency of the cheese. 

    It is kind of hard to explain but it just didn't look right to me.  I was expecting more of a creamy texture in the back of my mind and what I had was simply not "creamy."    This is where the "splash" of beer comes in.   I now know that a "splash" is less then 0.5 oz or about 1/2 a teaspoon.    I would have liked them to have said a 1/2 a teaspoon.   It would have saved me some grief

    Because what I ended up with was more...wet.  It was the consistency  of a newborn's diaper to be completely honest.  

    Nor did it allow me to roll it into some sort of ball shape, even after adding nuts and dried fruit to it.

 

    I had to much liquid in it.  I ended up using it as a spread for toast and bagels and it is a rather tasty little treat.   Their was enough to make a second "ball" and I'll have to either drain over a sink for 24 hours or so wrapped in cheesecloth or dry it in an oven somehow.   

    You learn from failures.  If this would have been a dairy cheese, I've no doubt that I would have wrapped it in cheesecloth and let it hang to drain.   This being a vegan cheese, it never occurred to me that I could do that.  

    Lately I've been worried about things that are beyond my control and letting my work life balance get out of kilter.   This reminded me that you can always make adjustments to bring things back into your control...and that one of the reasons that I do enjoy cooking is having some control, and that I do have to pay attention to the world around me...heat something up to fast or for to long and you ruin the dish. 

    Cheese making also forces you to learn patience, as it can take days in some cases to make the cheese...then weeks, months and even years to age it properly.   Sometimes the cheese even out lives those who make it.      

    Cooking as a metaphor for life seems like a cliche...and it is.   However it is also a truth.  I'm not going to give up trying to eat healthy or give up on making cheese - vegan or dairy - because of this failure.   I'll learn from it, and get stronger.