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I had potential.

 I lay in bed this morning as a summer thunderstorm rolled over and through me.  It was early, about 5:30 AM when the deep rumble woke me from a sound sleep.   The rain was hard, fast and beat down on my metal roof with a chaotic pattern.   

The room temperature dropped and both my black cats scrambled off the bed as a BOOM echoed in the distance.   Susan, me wife, rolled over and tucked herself in a little more, oblivious to the storm outside the windows.

There is something about a summer storm early in the morning.   The air is cleaner, cooler and the dirt and grime of the world seems to be washed away with only potential remaining.  

I'm been thinking a lot about potential.  

Several years ago my step daughter was putting together her Zombie apocalypse team because that was a thing.  I was honored when she included me.   "Oh," I asked her, "what is my job?"

"Bait." She said laughing.  "You have the biggest brain, but can't do anything practical!"

She was not wrong.  Having all the book smarts in the world doesn't help if you cannot apply it to the real world.  

It will be six years in this home starting in September.  We have made a lot of improvements to the inside.  We added kitchen counter and storage space by making some adjustments to the kitchen layout and laid a new floor. Replaced the old roof with a new one and added new more energy efficient windows, replaced the old wood burning stove with a highly efficient pellet stove.  We tiled downstairs.  

Nearly everything was done by experts in those fields with very little actual work by yours truly.   I've just found a way to pay for it.  

Susan and I saw the potential in this home to make it ours.  We are not done with it...but we have had to hit the pause button due to circumstances.   The potential to make this place our palace is still there...waiting.  

Now, due to circumstances beyond our control there is a possibility where we may end up selling our home.   Giving up on everything we have built.   I do not wish to dwell on that potential future.   Nor do I wish to go into details...but the circumstances we find ourselves in suck.  

On the outside of the home we started our "food forest" in a haphazard manner and never really recovered from that.  I've planted some apple trees, bushes, some perennial native flowers.   God knows there have been mistakes, errors. missteps.   It's one thing to read about how to do something but another to actually try and do it.   I've lost blueberry, strawberries and apple trees to deer.  I nearly killed my Pawpaw within the first week because dumb ass me didn't realize it was a shade loving tree.   It was moved and is making a nice recovery but it's still a tough plant to cultivate. 

What does this have to do with potential?  

I really don't know what I'm doing and am approaching this in a chaotic way.  It's one thing to state that I would like to have a "food forest" and it's quiet another to try and make that dream a reality.   


It's lack of planning that has created this chaos, now I have to figure out how to remove invasive plants and where to plant some additional plants and trees in a logical manner.   

For example, I picked up a Bur Oak tree at the native plant sale a few weeks back on a whim.   Now that I'm reading about it it occurs to me that it can get to be sixty feet tall or more.   So I would need to place a distance from the house, the idea being that if would provide shade in the future for who ever buys our home, or more likely replaces our home.  

What happens if and when I finally decide to get solar?  That tree would have to be planted in such a way that it doesn't reduce the efficiency of the panels.  

Are my attempts to provide some sort of waystation for my post apocalypse wandering soul make any sense at all?  Honestly, does it matter?  Isn't the effort alone worth it?

Part of me wants to say yes, perhaps who ever lives in this home after me will appreciate the shade tree that helps to cool the home.   Perhaps they will eat the apples, grapes, sunchokes and berries with  a smile.   

Or maybe it will just be the animals that end up eating those very same fruits.   Either future has an equal potential.   Either future is worth the effort.  

Our future is unwritten.  In the next few months, Sue and I will find our way through this darkness.  WE always have and always will.

It has the potential to work out, it has the potential to go bad....but it is what it is.  

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Location: Stoneboro, PA 16153, USA

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